Newman's Notions | March 20, 2024 | FREE
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Zero-truth medical updates

Catch up on the latest imaginary medical news, from manic mannequins to microleeches.

These days it can be hard to know whether the things you read are true. Rest assured that none of the following are.

Transplant trends: In a medical breakthrough of extremely limited proportions, surgeon Johan Vestigius and his team have performed the first porcine-to-human appendix transplant. Hailed by few as a boon to general surgery, this will allow repeat appendectomies. A procedural code is awaiting approval by CMS. The first patient, an M. Bowen of Louisiana, is recovering nicely and is excited to next enroll in the United Dental Research Associates' wisdom tooth reimplantation trial.

Illustration by David Rosenman
Illustration by David Rosenman

Intercontinental conjunctivitis: On an overnight flight from L.A. to New York, 220 passengers, as well as the flight crew, developed severe infectious conjunctivitis. The ventilation system was blamed for the outbreak. All have recovered at the time of this report. In a statement, the airline said, "We have had some black eyes, but this was meant to be a red-eye flight and instead it became a pinkeye one."

Pharmaceutical developments in dermatology: Dome-Foam from Savalas Pharmaceuticals, a new foaming gel composed of minoxidil and aloe vera with a foundation base of SPF 75, comes in 26 high-fashion shades for the telogen-free and provides sunscreen, cover, and hair regrowth. Dome-Foam+ is Dome-Foam basic plus 5-fluorouracil, 10% hydrocortisone, and mupirocin. If that combination doesn't get rid of those nasty cranial bumps, then nothing will.

Manic mannequins: In this month's International Journal of Autonomous Medical Institutional Education (JAMIE), there's a report from Stuttenhammberville of the first case of viral transmission from medical mannequin to human, the newly identified virus named PHSV1. This herpes-type virus has been previously hypothesized as being capable of plastic-to-human transmission. This outbreak occurred in the university medical school. The method of transmission from simulation to human is still unclear.

Microleeches to the rescue: The miniaturization lab at Hirudis Tech has bred a miniature leech with potent anticoagulant saliva and a predilection for thrombus. In a new trial, Leech Endovascular Entry in Congested Hearts (LEECH), the microleeches will be introduced into patients with atrial fibrillation and thrombus. Paid volunteers are being recruited.

Intrauterine plastic surgery: The latest trend from celebrities in Los Angeles, this is the newest strategy for those who are trailed by paparazzi from bed to bathroom. With these procedures, infants emerge with a full head of hair and a complete set of pearly whites. Pretty Baby Clinics are set to open throughout the state of California next month. Covered by most major insurance companies.

True weight loss: You want to lose weight but don't want to exercise, take medications, or watch your diet? In an unprecedented discovery, biophysicists at the Wisconsin College of Weight Reduction have adapted the human genome to be resistant to the force of gravity. In animal studies, there was no change in surface area or density of subjects, but their weight went down by 20% to 85%. Preliminary bovine studies achieved even better results: 100% gravity resistance. However, one of the cows floated off from the research lab and was last seen jumping over the moon.

Society news: The once flourishing Society of Forensic Proctology lost 90% of its membership and dissolved because most members felt the specialty was a dead-end job. Meanwhile, the Society of Dischargologists has formed, representing a new medical specialty in the art of the discharge without readmission.

Documentation update: The release of ICD-14 has been delayed. Hopefully forever.